The Future: an Impossible Balance between Marks and a Life

I spent a few days early last week trying to find a quote I could relate to about the future. To no surprise, most of them were ones that told you that you could do anything if you believed in your dreams, or at least something along those lines. Then I found this quote:

"When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?" ~Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

I really did want to have a positive, optimistic post, like how most people would expect. However, this quote hit me like a pile of bricks. I contemplated different quotes, but I've finally decided to stick with this one. Here's why.

I completed this post on Thursday, however, I didn't post it. I wrote out my thoughts on the above quote, then decided, due to various reasons, to start over. I found a much more cheerful quote and wrote out everything I had to say about that one. Then, as you've probably noticed, I didn't post it. My mind kept returning to this quote by Chuck. I felt that this one has so much more truth in it than the other sugar coated quote.

So, I decided to change my post yet again.

I did have my notes from the first time I explained my logic behind relating to this quote, but I now think I can do better than that.

Most of the time, young children look at the world in awe. They can't wait to grow up to be a police officer, a doctor, a teacher, or any other job they can think of. That's because the future was promising to them. For me as a child, I saw nothing blocking my path to success.

Now, I hate talking about the future. Adults are constantly asking me what I "want to be" and truth be told, I haven't settled on anything yet. Half of them tell me that that's fine, half of them tell me I should get on that, but none of them really know what it's like to be me, just as I don't know what it's like to be them. To put my point into perspective, I'll tell you how my weekend went.

First I came home Friday from yet another exhausting  day at school. I'll be honest, I watched an episode or two of my show, but after that I went straight to a volunteering position I offer to do every week. When I got home, I was physically drained. I would have gone to bed if my sister wasn't on her way back from University, so I stayed up and my three sisters and I watched a movie.

The next day, Saturday, the day this post should have been done by, I was running around my house trying to clean because my youngest sister was getting confirmed in the Church. After the service and hosting people over at our house, the commotion ended after dinner. At that point, my mom and I had to write a play. Every year at our Church (a different one than the previously mentioned one), the Sunday School performs a play, showcasing the story of Christmas. With such a diverse group of children, we, the teachers, had to fit the needs of the older ones and the younger ones, giving them more or less line respectively. After searching for plays for who knows how long, my mom and I were convinced none would work, and that it would be easier to just write our own, so that's what we did. We finished around midnight, following which I collapsed into my bed.

Today, I got up and went straight to Church to start rehearsing the play with the children. Immediately after the service and Sunday School were done, my sisters, mom, dad, and I went our for lunch with my grandparents, who we haven't seen very often lately as they've been busy going to and from Kitchener so my grandpa could undergo radiation treatments, which he just finished. Of course, the entire day I had my homework and studying in the back of my mind, but I couldn't quite think about that yet. First, I went with my mom and older sister to a funeral home's Christmas time memorial service, for all those who have lost someone, to help and support my grandparents. At this point, I wasn't feeling too good physically. My head was throbbing and my stomach was turning. I tried to work when I got home, but truly felt incapable of doing so, and fell asleep. I've been dragging myself around the house ever since, trying to be productive, but somehow just wound up laying down and staring at a wall instead, until I eventually fell asleep again.

I still don't feel well. So then why am I seriously considering going to school tomorrow? Well, I was sick with just a common cold last week and missed one morning, something I thought wouldn't set me too far back. Unfortunately, however, it did.

I'm trying to make my future count. I volunteer in my community regularly, I spend time with my sisters, I witnessed my sister affirming her faith, I wrote a play for my Church's Sunday School, I spent time with my grandparents, I offered them support... so why do I feel so behind in life? I didn't get this blog post done on time, I didn't study as much as I needed to for my quiz or my test, and I didn't start my English essay.

When I was younger, seeing all the things I've done this weekend would have looked promising. In fact, it should look promising to me today. Instead, it worries me. As students in high school, pretty much the entire rest of our lives rely on our academic standings. Sure, volunteer work and health are important for Universities and Colleges, but what's a good life without good marks? Apparently, not much.

I feel like this post has somewhat turned into a rant about my life. Truth is, I could write more. There are so many other challenges I go through on a day to day basis, but I tried to stay away from all that and keep this post short. As you can see, that didn't go over too well. Sorry again for the late posting.